Ugly

A cocky smirk

That stupid hat of yours,

Always at the same perfect angle

Crushing confidence

Standing by the lockers,

Avoiding your gaze

Your friends,

Not all so bad

Not as bad as you

I smile at you

You call me ugly

I tell you I like you

To guilt you?

Maybe

You say I’m a loser

And your smirk never falters

And your friends just keep laughing

And so I wonder

…

Who called you ugly?

Tragic

I’m broken, beaten, and crushed. My life is falling apart. I am miserable. Not even the slightest gift can make me happier. People try and help, but talking about it doesn’t make anything better. I don’t need help I don’t even know what I need, I only want. I want only the things I feel will make me feel better. Not just the person I love. He knows, but doesn’t feel what I’m going through. He can make me happy with some simple words, but cannot heal my torn insides. I am being eaten from the inside out, and nothing can stop it. There is no more love, but in dreams. Doubt is my best choice. Not to hope someone likes me and get crushed by their denial. Emptiness is all I am, nothing more. I have nothing else no one to love, no one to love me back. This year it all came crashing down on me. I have done nothing wrong to deserve this pain, nothing wrong to know how much of a failure I am. I tell people to never give up, and only a few that they are amazing. I really mean it, just not for myself. Everyone says I have potential, no I don’t. People say I can change, no I can’t. Only friends say I can be happy, but no. If I could be happy don’t you think I would have already started to be happy? Something so simple can be almost impossible to get. I can’t wish for happiness, because a wish never comes true. As a child we learn that our lives are like or can be fairy tales. Parents want us to be happy, well mine don’t even care anymore.

Silence

The purr of the evenings silence draws me in. Makes me want more. The only thing I can hear are the thoughts, swirling through out my head. why do you even try, the voice whispers, the artificial you isn't any better. The insults; somehow calming among the midst of change. They're always there. Something is solid.

Sidewalk of My Life

The air crisp along my skin
Making the hair rise up in anticipation
The chill of September morning
Embraces a smile on my innocent face
Right, Left, Right, Left
Pitter-patter on the sidewalk of my life

Secrets

Secrets. Painful yet comforting. She can’t keep them. She must tell. No one can know. They’d laugh. They’d make fun. She’d be traumatized at the humiliation. Phobias. Some say they are irrational. They don’t understand. They don’t get it. Bridges. Deep water. No one can hear her screams in the water. Silenced as the water enters her throat. Suffocates her. Silences her. They don’t see it her way. No one does. Only she does. Secrets. Necessary to have, necessary to release. Conflicted. Why? Can’t there be a middle ground? It’s a secret of life. A secret yet to be discovered. Even philosophers don’t understand. Can’t find it. They struggled with the mystery of life as a child, now they send out to discover it. She needs help. She needs support. She can’t keep their secrets. She needs to blow. Why? Can’t she just scream them to the world? People would see. People would judge. People would stare. People would know, understand. Secrets, without them we could mend this timid world. Tell. Or else I will.

Negativity

Negativity is my high. Peppiness is the expected. I will be the unexpected. Never to be conformity. Don’t argue with my views. Don’t disagree with my ways. I may not be your favorite, but shut up. Negativity is positivity to me. How I wrote this. You suck. I hate this. No. The dreamland of my wasteful mind. Yes. Yay. I love you. I shudder. The shiver that goes down my spine. Happiness is not reality. It’s fake. Unrealistic. I’m just a realist. Don’t judge me.

Help

I need this. I need you. No. Shut up. No one wants to hear your opinion. Please. Let this be. I need this. Why? Long story. I have time, but do you care? Yes. Doubt it. I do. My life doesn’t work. Nothing does. I feel joy and then it’s taken away and all that is left is for me to commiserate, to be melancholy. You don’t understand. You’re too perfect. Perfect family, perfect academics, perfect athletics, perfect social life. You of all people wouldn’t be able to correlate. I get it. What? I get what you mean. No you don’t. Let me explain. You’re the reason why. Why I do all these things. All the sorrow I cause. All the negativity I bring. It’s all because of you. Don’t you see? You’ve broken me. You may not have been the first, but you were the most important. I need to turn away. But I can’t. No matter how hard I try. Please. Understand this. I need you. To stay with me. To leave. I don’t need you in the middle. Stuck between love and hate. Friendzoned. I hate that term but it’s what I am to you. A friend. You don’t get it. All the hatred I hold, it’s for or because of you. Don’t take this as a surprise. I always was the one to bottle up. Write. Not cry. Poetry is my crying. This is not as much of poetry as it is a letter. A rant. To let you know. I need you (to leave). Please don’t stay in the middle. It’s not safe. For you or for me. I hate you. But I also love you. I know I can never have the place in your heart as you have in mine. But please. Stop it. Stop breaking me. I need space. I need closure. I need us to be together. I need love. Give me an answer. Hate or love? I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. I know. You will pick hate. Hate is easier than love. I’m too broken for love. Undeserving. Unwilling.
Leave.
Stay.
Help.